Hi Gigi,

I have been with my fiance for almost 3 years. Lately our sex life has gotten one-sided. He refused to use lube for the longest time and taking him analy without it was very painful so, he finally started to use it but very sparingly.

Tonight he put it in me and rather than putting it in slow, he put it all in. I let him know it hurt and rather than him [acknowledging] that it caused me pain, and taking it a bit more gentle, he went full force again as if to inflict more pain.

I can’t tell you when the last time I actually got off while having sex with him due to situations like this. He only cares about himself getting off at any cost, even if he puts me in pain. It made me look at the bigger picture of how our sex life has been for [a long time], and can’t help but wonder what in the hell I am doing here!

I love this man to death however our sex life is terrible. I have asked him over and over to not just put it in and that he needs to slowly work it until I am relaxed, and can take it all comfortably. He has shown nothing, but disregard for my comfort. Please advise me!!!

-J

Hi J,

Thanks so much for sharing with me. I’m more than happy to offer some insight on this. Now, I am not a gay man so I can’t fully grasp your personal dynamic from my own experience, but I sure do know a thing or two about butt stuff. Lord, do I! I also have lots of gay male readers and clients so, I think I can confidently advise you in this matter.

Let’s do this!

First of all, lube is life. But that’s not even the point. Lube is absolutely not an option when it comes to anal sex. It really shouldn’t be an option no matter what kind of sex you’re having, but anal especially. An anus does not lube up the way a vagina does. These are just simple biological facts.

It is time to take control of your sex life, my friend. No more of this bullshit.

You are giving up control to someone who doesn’t know what the fuck they are doing. I want to believe that your partner is simply misinformed and is having trouble understanding what you need, but this is quite out of hand.

If you need to lube to have comfortable anal (like, um, every person?) then you get yourself lubed up. The more the better. If he doesn’t like it, he cannot have sex with you. There is no reason on this, the planet earth, why you should EVER be in pain during sex (unless that’s a kink, which clearly it is not for you). No amount of “holding onto your man” means having your butthole ripped open. That’s not OK.

The bottom is in control during anal sex. It may not seem that way given the fact that your butt is one being fucked, but you’re the one who decides what is happening. If something hurts, your partner should stop IMMEDIATELY. If he doesn’t, he has something going on and he’s not telling you about it. Is there some sadistic twist he wants in sex? Is this something he finds erotic? If it is, well, there are healthy ways to work with that, but if not, there might be something seriously wrong. I would absolutely suggest couples therapy. I am not a doctor or mental health professional so all I can do is ask you to get some insight from someone who has the qualifications to help the two of you.

This is going to take some serious conversation. You’re planning to marry this guy. It’s imperative that you be able to speak openly and honestly about how you feel. And what’s more, he shouldn’t be blatantly ignoring you. This is borderline abusive behavior. It’s a grey area for me, but I’m very concerned.

Sex is a two-way street. You should never feel guilty for wanting to enjoy sexual pleasure. You haven’t had an orgasm in who knows how long because you’re worried about being in terrible pain every time your partner touches you. This is not normal. Your concerns are absolutely valid and you have the RIGHT to a change.

I hope this helps!

Xoxo

Gigi

Gigi Engle is a feminist writer, sex educator, and speaker. A book with St. Martins Press is forthcoming.

For a chance to be featured on YSPSA’s original sex advice column, email your question to advice@yspsa.org. No topic is off limits.