Dear Gigi, 

Met this girl through a dating app back in early December. We live in different cities, but matched when she was in town visiting family. We both liked each other so decided to try long distance. She was again in town for the holidays, so we met up.  We saw each other one more time, and then made plans for NYE weekend.  Soooo….  Things went really well and I flew her out to see me a few times.  She always told me she missed me, really liked me, couldn’t wait to see me again. I mean, this couldn’t have been going any smoother! 

Well, a few weeks ago – she texts me: “I miss you like crazy!” I texted her the next day and never heard back. I tried to get her on the phone that night but no answer, so I decided to back off a bit. I finally hear from her four days later with a text saying “I need to talk to you”.   

Obviously, I’m dreading the worst, so I write back and say, “Ok, I’ll be home in 30 min if you want me to call.”  No response. I figured maybe she needed a nudge, so that night, I texted and said, “Let’s just talk.. everything that’s been on your mind”.  Well, it’s now a week later and no response.  I have not contacted her at all.  I mayyyyyyybe posted a few more IG stories than usual just to see if she viewed them, and of course she did! 

I know that’s a long story, but what’s your take?  Does she want me to pursue her, or is it just that obvious that it’s over? 

Thank you!   

T

Hey T,

Totally understand the confusion here. This is a bit of puzzling situation. As matters of the heart often are, unfortunately. So, let’s get real about this whole situation. Trust me, you’re not weird or embarrassing for being bummed/confused and wanting to think there is still a chance. I mean, you like this girl a lot clearly. It is shitty to think after all these awesome weekends together and constant texting that she’d go cold on you. It’s like a sunk cost investment. It blows.

If it were me, I’d be annoyed too. And if it helps, we’ve all been here in some form or other. We’ve all liked someone only to have them peace without any explanation.

You can never get inside of someone’s head and more often than not, people don’t want to talk about stuff that makes them uncomfortable. It’s a lot easier to cop out and ghost someone than it is to be an adult and say, “Look, this isn’t working for me.” Especially if you don’t live in the same place. It’s not like you’d ever run into each other.

So, to answer the question of whether she’s still into you: Yes, but also no. Fucked up right? That’s because it is.

Here is what I think is going on. Clearly everything was going really well and she was feeling your vibe. The issue is the distance. Sure, you can fly back and forth all you want, but that doesn’t make relationships possible most of the time. Even if the chemistry is there, the stress of spending so much time apart is likely what’s gotten to her. I think she’s had anxiety about this whole situation. It’s even possible she met someone in her home city and sees more potential there. When it comes to dating, you’re probably going to pick the person with a realistic geographical location over someone long distance. It doesn’t sound like either one of you are making plans to move to the same place, so where does that leave you?

I’m guessing she’s been thinking about this for awhile and just wasn’t sure how to deal with it. It sounds like she was planning to do the mature thing and have a conversation with you, only to chicken out.

She’s clearly still interested in what you’re up to and is second-guessing herself because she’s checking in on you on social media. But, the truth is, it is not going to work. If she can’t put in the effort now, this will only happen again.

Seriously, she could come back to you tomorrow and say, ‘I fucked up let’s try again’ and my advice would still be to let it go. The doubts are there. The ability to ghost and run is there. It’s not worth the effort.

She’s spending a lot of time in her head because you two aren’t together. You clearly are too. She’s going over the details again and again freaking out because she knows that you aren’t going to live in the same place. What the hell can happen if she doesn’t move to where you are or visa versa? You’re just going to drag this out until the end of time until you hate each other?

Nah. It’s not working. The timing and location have made this impossible. If I were you, I’d unfriend her and unfollow her. Just cut the damn chord. You don’t have anything to feel badly about it because she’s the one who chose to be a coward in this situation. If you keep checking your instagram story and following her every move on social media you’ll never get over it.

Just remember, falling for someone is a risk. It’s one we have to take. Most of the time, it is not going to work out. Everytime we give someone a chance, we risk the rejection. It sucks, but finding the right person is totally worth it. Don’t close yourself off to love just because you had a crappy experience.

Next time, don’t start stuff off long-distance. Obviously you can’t control when you jive with someone – but LTDRs are hard AF under the best of circumstances. Couples who have been together for years on years have issues making them work.

Get back on those apps and find a woman who is going to stick through the tough times. You’re worth a text back, dude.

XOXO

G

Gigi Engle is a feminist writer, sex educator, and speaker. A book with St. Martins Press is forthcoming.

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