Dear Auntie G,

Since I was 18 I was getting really into cuckold porn. It wasn’t until February of last year that I found myself in a nice relationship with someone and wanted to try fulfilling it.

There’s a guy that my girlfriend’s known since her freshman year of college. She told me she used to have a thing for him. Knowing this has made a window of opportunity to me and I think this may be my one shot to see if this could work out. I was able to convince to my girlfriend to give the fantasy a shot.

She texted him and he was interested in giving it a go. We were all really excited about doing it and decided to get into it that very night. We decided that my girlfriend would go on dates and hook up with her friend. She would tell me when she was going and then come over after to give me the details of every encounter. When we tried it out, it seemed to go really smoothly.

Anyway, after a few weeks my girlfriend told me she not only wanted to stop having sex with me entirely, but made it clear she thought it’d make things better if we didn’t even make out or stay the night together.

We had a long conversation about it but I eventually agreed that it’d be better that way. She told me she’s been having sex with the other guy everyday now. Since this whole started both he and my girlfriend have been spending more and more time alone together — leaving me out of the mix. I don’t really know what to do at this point. I feel out of my depths.

Should I take a break for awhile? Do you have any opinions on our situation? Could really use some advice.

-Confused Cuckold

Dear Confused Cuckold,

Thanks for writing in. I know discussing peripheral sexual fantasies can be a challenge. It’s important that we address scenarios like this if only to dispel stigma. This is a healthy and normal fantasy to have. Anything “out of the ordinary” tends to be demonized. Meanwhile, people find all sorts of things sexually stimulating. There is no limit. As long as you aren’t harming yourself or anyone else, you should feel free to do whatever you want.

The practice of “Cuckolding” is hard to put into defined parameters because no one ever wants to talk about it. If you try to bring a fantasy like this up to most people, they will think you are mentally deranged. Furthermore, if your fantasy is to be a cuckold, but only in certain ways, and then those boundaries are violated, how do you push back? You are probably asking yourself why you’re upset if this is what you wanted in the first place. Your girlfriend is off with another dude. Isn’t that what you asked for? No. Not quite.

What stands out in this particular situation is that is doesn’t seem to be making you happy anymore. That is the key. If having your girlfriend with another guy turns you on, and you agree upon certain terms — that is what should happen. You shouldn’t be expected to fold into some new set of standards without agreeing and feeling comfortable with them. The whole point of this arrangement was to fulfill something you wanted to try sexually. If you feel left out, and not in a way that turns you on, the fantasy has gone too far.

You have to give yourself permission to break out of the sexual fantasy in order to cope with your emotional needs. Being a cuckold doesn’t necessarily mean your girlfriend and this guy get to run all over you every second of the day. There are cuckolding situations with these guidelines are in place, but unless that is what you want, you’re not expected to subscribe. Again, this is complicated territory. With a sexual fantasy that neither you nor your girlfriend have tried before, it doesn’t escape the imagination that things could get out of hand.

So, what can you do here? You have to start by having a sit down conversation with your girlfriend privately. You’re clearly uncomfortable with how far things have gone. It’s surpassed a sexual fantasy and moved into an entirely different relationship, one where she goes off with another guy and doesn’t let you in on the details. That isn’t fair.

Should you take a break for a while? I’d say you might want to step back and reassess what drew you to this type of relationship and what you imaged it would be versus what is has become. Cuckolds aren’t without needs. Don’t forget that. You have to do what is best for you, whether it be exploring this fantasy until its end, or breaking out of it and seeing how you fair.

There are no rules. You can easily pick it back up, with the same women or another. You may want to have some self-care time and determine where the cuckold ends and the person with agency begins. This fantasy is one of trial and error. The only way you can figure out what works for you is by trying things out and testing your limits.

Hope this helps,

xoG

Gigi Engle is a feminist writer, sex educator, and speaker. A book with St. Martins Press is forthcoming.

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