Hi Gigi:

Ever since I started being sexually active I’ve wanted to know what an orgasm felt like. I am 25 now and I’ve never experienced an orgasm. I have been in a few relationships and none of my ex-partners were able to get me there. I tried masturbating just with my fingers but it doesn’t work at all. I tried a vibrator, and even though it does give me pleasure I never reach that point where I climax.

I often get bored or sleepy when I am masturbating and I am worried that something is wrong with me. I’ve noticed that whenever I start feeling something good, I can’t seem to stay there and hold the vibrator or continue. I feel like the feeling gets too intense to continue. Which I don’t really understand. I am now in a relationship and I don’t want to fake anymore. I am not sure if I don’t know my body well enough yet or if I need a different kind of vibrator or some medical help.

Please help!

Thank you!

R

Hey girl, hey!

Thanks for writing in. My inbox is jam-packed with questions from women who are having trouble orgasming. So, let me tell you, you’re not alone. We’re all just out here trying to figure our bodies out, ya hear? You’re not broken. You’re not damaged. You are a human.

Many, many women have trouble orgasming with a partner. That feels like level 201 for you right now. So, let’s focus on getting you to orgasm alone first and then you can work on the partner part. Why? Because if you don’t know what makes you come alone, you will never, ever be able to direct a partner to touch you the way you want to be touched.

Like, be real. If you’re not confident in your body and your pleasure, how are you supposed to relax enough to come in front of someone? No one ever wants to go there, but it’s the truth. Pressure does not make people wet.

That being said, be open about your lack of orgasms. Do not go faking them. That is a one-way ticket to Never Having An Orgasm Again Or Ever Town. Tell your partner what is up. If they are an empathetic person, they’ll be willing to take this journey with you to find what brings you to climax. Vulnerability is not for weak people, it’s for kickass people!

Oh, what on earth does an orgasm feel like? I can’t tell you exactly because it feels different for everyone. For me, it’s like a wave crashing over me and electricity all at once. It can be overwhelming. Other times it’s not too intense.  For others, it’s a more muted or relaxing feeling. Each person is different.

Why can’t you have an orgasm? This is a complex and not-so-complex question with super complex answers. Yay!

OK, let’s talk about the brain. You’re gonna trip on the Dual Control Model. This may sound like some scientific shit, but it will help you understand more about how libido, sexual desire, and orgasm actually work. Worth the read, I promise.

The brain is so much more powerful than you can even imagine. It is the center of our orgasmic potential. Who knew it wasn’t the genitals, after all?! We have a series of “brakes” and “accelerators” in our heads that guide us away from and toward sexual feelings.

The accelerators say: Yes, this is sexy. I like this. I am turned on! The brakes say: No, now is not the time for sex. The brakes are your sexual inhibitions. They are fueled by hormones, the messages you’ve received about sex growing up and throughout your life, your sexual history, etc. etc.

Everyone has a different makeup of brakes and accelerators. Some people have sensitive accelerators and pretty much anything slightly sexual can turn them on. For instance, thinking about an erotic scene from a movie you saw two months ago can put you in the mood while at the supermarket.

Other people, and this is where the majority of women find themselves, have more sensitive brakes. Meaning, it takes more than recognizing a situation as sexual or sexually relevant to get you turned on. You can be at a romantic dinner with your partner, followed by a back massage and still not be turned on. It takes more than that.

What you need is to get out of a headspace where you don’t think orgasm is possible. You’re psyching yourself out so hard. You’re pumping those brakes. You are logically aware that you’re not orgasmsing and that you’ve built yourself up about the importance of orgasm, but your brain is more powerful than your sense of logic alone. Your brain is still putting the brakes on because it thinks it’s supposed to. It feel the stress and pressure, not the logic. Your brain is stronger than logic.

You likely have sensitive brakes. You’re inhibiting yourself by stopping yourself when it “feels too intense.” You’re on the cusp of orgasm at that point!

Now, you aren’t familiar with your body when it gets to this place. The first time I used a vibrator and brought myself to orgasm, I thought I was going to pee myself. It’s all very normal. We don’t get a lot of clitoral stimulation during early sexual encounters. No one knows what the fuck a clitoris is or why it’s important. If you’re curious to learn more about the clit, watch this:

The Structure of the Clitoris

Touching the clitoris directly may be too much for you. The glans are very sensitive and if direct stimulation is too much, there are alternative ways to bring you to orgasm (check this out to learn more about this).

You can indirectly stimulate yourself either manually or with a toy. I know it may sound exhausting, but this is important stuff. You’re getting sleepy and bored during masturbation because you haven’t unlocked the orgasm box yet. If you haven’t come before and don’t know what you’re doing, it low-key feels like you’re just supposed to go to town on yourself until you get there — this might actually be detrimental.

Take the time, girl. Figure out what works for you. Don’t rush yourself through it. Breathe into your body. Tell yourself you are capable of orgasm … because you ARE! I promise. Once you start saying, “I won’t get there. I can’t come,” you legit will not. You’re turning on the brakes.

OK, so you’ve used a vibrator. I want to share one little secret that might change the game for you. Get yourself a Satisfyer. Use the code GIGI20 in our store and you get 20 percent off. Like, the best thing ever.

The Satisfyer uses a combination of suction and air to simulate oral sex. You just put the little suction guy over the clit and turn it on. Don’t forget to use lots of lube! It feels sort of weird and then BAM, you orgasm.

It’s truly the fastest orgasm I’ve ever had in my life. It’s recommended to women who have trouble reaching orasm or who may be suffering from sexual dysfunctions of various kinds. It can get you in touch with your body and spark the nerve endings that seem to be almost-there-but-not-quite.

I have a feeling this little bastard will take you over the edge and help you on your journey to frequent climax.

I hope this helps!

XOXO

Gigi

Gigi Engle is a feminist writer, sex educator, and speaker. A book with St. Martins Press is forthcoming.

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