Hi Gigi,

Recently, my girlfriend hasn’t been able to orgasm from oral. I spent over an hour just last night, in fact. She’d get really close but then lose it. Over and over. But before that, she was able to, and it was pretty explosive.

Am I doing something wrong?

-K

Heya K,

First of all, kudos for spending an hour down south. We need more dudes in the world like you. Oral sex is bomb and it’s great that you want to bring your girlfriend to orgasm enough to put in the effort. Snaps, boo.

Now, let’s talk a little bit about the female orgasm – because it is a complex thing. All orgasms start in brain. You have to be in the right, relaxed mindset to make it happen.

My guess is something might be off in an area of your girlfriend’s life. Or, at least, a change is afoot. Take a look at the bigger picture and have an open and honest conversation about it. Is she feeling more stressed at work? Has she been fighting a lot with one of her friends? Has something new happened in her life recently that might be occupying her mind? These kinds of things can have a greater impact on our sexuality than we even realize.

Another thing that might be affecting her ability to experience orgasm could be that she needs a change in stimulation. While the body does not become addicted to one kind of stimulation, it can become so attuned that it loses its edge. I’d suggest giving a sex toy a try in lieu of oral sex for a while.

You can still give her head (and should! Never stop!), but it doesn’t have to be the only form of foreplay on the sexual menu. A small finger vibrator during a steamy AF makeout session might be a good change of pace.

Brainstorm some ideas together. What has she been interested in trying? Anything new causing inspiration? Even that portion can be a huge turn on. Talking about sexy things is like a spoken word strip-tease. We all need a little variety to go from plateau to orgasm. A variance in the different types of stimulation we experience can revamp our nerve endings.

Most importantly of all is the following: No more orgasm end-all-be-all.

Take the pressure off the orgasm. You have to take it off the table. Orgasm should not be the goal. Shelve it, just for a little while. When all the focus is on orgasm, orgasm eludes us. It’s like this hellish sexual catch-22.

No one comes when everyone is anxious. Now, I understand this is easier said than done. You’re wrapped up in your own head, freaking yourself out. When you know something has been possible in the past, only to have it disappear, that’s incredibly frustrating. And when you do everything you can to get it back, only to find yourself stunted – Well, it’s easy to feel powerless.

But you have to put yourself in her position. She’s in crappy way as well. She’s worried about disappointing you and is disappointed in herself. She probably feels guilty that you’re trying so hard and are so clearly overwhelmed. You’re down there and she wants to come to please you, but can’t.

Under those circumstances, it doesn’t really matter how long you’re down there. It’s just a pressure-packed shitshow and no one is going to have an orgasm like that. Orgasm anxiety is a very real thing. It can leave you in a negative feedback loop. You want to have an orgasm, you feel pressured to orgasm, you get close only to be anxious about possibly not coming. So, you don’t come. Sucks, right?

You’re not doing anything wrong. You clearly give awesome head because she’s had explosive orgasms in the past. To that end, ask her what else she might enjoy. Be open to trying new stuff. Perhaps she’d be into some internal stimulation during external? Ask and thou shall receive.

This is likely just a phase she’s going through and will come out the other side with plenty of orgasms to be had in the future. Sometimes the vulva cooperates, and other times it decides it’s not having your bullshit.

You both have to stop beating yourselves up and enjoy pleasure for pleasure’s sake. Orgasms are great, but they aren’t the only thing that make sex fun. Have a good time with each other and stop getting down about going down.

I hope this helps!

Xoxo

Gigi

Gigi Engle is a feminist writer, sex educator, and speaker. A book with St. Martins Press is forthcoming.

For a chance to be featured on YSPSA’s original sex advice column, email your question to advice@yspsa.org. No topic is off limits.