Hey Gigi,

I’m in a weird situation with my sexuality. I’ve been with some guys, and really haven’t enjoyed any of it. Like, I hate penises.

Recently, I’ve wanted to get with girls because I feel like I’m definitely bi, but feel bad hooking up with a girl because I’m “bi curious” it just feels like I’m using her.

Additionally, I have literally no sex drive. Maybe it’s because my one time experience with sex was negative, but I just have no desire to have sex. I’m not eager or obsessed with it either. I just feel weird and I’m not sure what to do to figure it out. I’m, like, frustrated I’m not sexually frustrated, I guess.

I can’t tell if I just think girls are pretty or guys or handsome, or if I’m attracted to them sexually. If you have any advice to help a gal out, would appreciate it.

Sincerely,

A

Hello my little bi-curious butterfly!

I relate to this story personally on so many levels that I cannot even tell you! I have so much to say here.

OK, from one bi girl to another, let me tell you one thing: We were all “bi-curious” once. You might be totally sure you’re bi, but you’re literally “curious” until you figure out if you’re down to clown in LadyTown. We’re raised to automatically default to “straight.”

No one has ever said, “By the way, lovekins. There are lots of other options. You might like vulvas or penis or both!” I WISH parents said this to children, but alas – we are not there yet in this world.

You don’t have the language or cultural awareness to know that there are other possibilities. I didn’t even fully embrace being bisexual until my mid-twenties – despite having dated a woman previously for nearly six months. That shit is confusing.

Another thing to keep in mind, something that only adds to our confusion, is that “bisexual” doesn’t mean you like both sexes equally. You might, but that isn’t always true. You can like girls 90% of the time and still be bisexual. You can enjoy penis about 78% of the time and still be bisexual. You can only ever like one penis or vulva in your WHOLE LIFE and you can still identify as bisexual.

This shit is up to you, girl. If you feel like you’re bi, you’re bi.

So, yes. Bi-curious. Bi-curious is the first stop to Bi City. Don’t feel guilty about that. I know where you’re coming from. I dated women and slept with women and still wasn’t sure if I was into women. I thought maybe I was just into the attention. This was something I literally told myself. Shame is a weird thing.

The best advice I can give you is to be transparent and honest. If you have feelings for a girl (or think you might), be honest about where you are mentally and emotionally. Maybe it won’t work out, maybe it will. Someone is going to be OK with taking this journey with you. They might be just as unsure!

I promise if you’re into chicks, you’ll get some with a chick eventually. Women are the best, to be honest. So beautiful, soft, sexy, and kind. You’ll see. Have faith.

Now, let’s talk about the sex drive thing. Remind yourself that you’re very new to sexual experiences. It’s NORMAL to be sexually frustrated (or not sexually frustrated, but just frustrated) when you don’t even know what you like yet. I think it is very possible that since your first sexual experience was negative, you associate sexual feelings in this way, forcing your libido underground.

I’m an extremely horny person, let’s be real. But, the first time I had sex I decided sex was not for me. My first serious boyfriend had no clue what he was doing. Neither did I. It was just him humping my body in missionary position, sans lube for, like, three minutes. I walked away from that experience and said to myself, “Huh. Well, sex isn’t great. I don’t think I’ll do that again.”

But, I did! It still wasn’t good for a long time. In my early years of college, when I found someone I trusted (and who knew how to go down on women), I discovered sex (in all its forms) is fabulous. I even sent the person who taught me about oral sex a thank you note years later.

The best advice I can give you is to give it time and let things take their natural course. Be curious, even if you’re not sure if you feel horny. Try new things and see what works for you.

Masturbate! Oh, for the love of all things holy. Please! It’s the B.E.S.T.

If you’re not sure how to do it: Read this and watch this video.

I swear, everything is going to be alright. You’re gonna be just fine.

Hang in there, babe.

XOXO

Gigi

Gigi Engle is a feminist writer, sex educator, and speaker. A book with St. Martins Press is forthcoming.

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