Hey Gigi,

My girlfriend and I have a great sex life, but lately we’ve been talking about trying bondage. I’ve always been a dominant woman and I think it would be super fun!

The problem is that I’m a little nervous about tying her up. I’ve never done it before and don’t want to hurt her or go too far.

Also, handcuffs, paddles and other gear are low-key expensive. Is there a way to make this fantasy come true on a budget? I know that’s not the hottest thing ever, but I’m kind of poor.

Thanks for any advice!

Q

Hey Q!

Thanks for your letter! Bondage is such a good time. It’s an incredible way to relieve stress, give and receive control, and overall spice it the hell up in bed.

Sometimes you just want to stop making decisions and get savagely spanked and called a slut. It puts the control on your partner and gives you a chance to roll with it. On the other hand, being a dom means taking control. It gives you an opportunity to take your partner on a pleasurable (and a little painful) journey. You’re not sick or weird for liking BDSM. In fact, nearly 50% of Americans admit to trying some form of bondage on a regular basis. We just like getting tied up and choked!

So, how to get started? It’s easier than you might imagine!

Before you jump on in have a sit down conversation outside of the bedroom. Discuss what each of you hopes to get out of the experience. Does your partner want you to take full control? Do you want her to dominate you at some point during this scene or another? Do you want to talk dirty?

Even if you’ve never tried BDSM before, you should decide on some boundaries. I always suggest against doing total sensory deprivation the first few times you’re giving bondage try. Don’t tie hands and feet, don’t add a blindfold and a gag. Start with wrists. See how that goes. You can always add more later.

If you go too far, too fast, it can cause an anxiety attack. I’m speaking from firsthand experience here. This was how my first-time bondage experience went and it was slightly traumatizing.

Set up a safeword. It should be something non-sexual. I’d go with something simple like cupcake, battery, airplane etc. Saying this word stops the scene without breaking character. If one of you if feeling uncomfortable, all you have to do is say the safe word and everything ceases. This will give you a chance to recalibrate.

Bondage is super hot, but I’m not going to lie – it can be intense. Take it slowly. Check in with each other periodically and never, ever do something that makes you feel unsafe.

You don’t have to buy expensive gear at all. You should find out if you even like BDSM before you start purchasing $200 corsets and bespoke riding crops. It is an investment worth making if this is something you’re planning to do every night. If it’s just a once in a while kind of thing, you can make your own homemade bondage gear in the comfort of your own house.

Use a silk scarf or belt as your rope. Silk is great because it doesn’t dig into the skin and if you tie a knot too tight, it’s a pliable fabric to get loose. Just don’t use anything too expensive in case something does go awry and you have to grab the scissors. Hey, it happens.

To avoid rookie mistakes like the above, tie your partner’s hands and feet in bows. This way you can easily let them out once you’re finished.

For spanking, you can utilize a wooden spoon from the kitchen. Just be sure it’s finished. You don’t want to wind up with splinters in your asscheeks. That is no fun for anyone.

Create a makeshift blindfold with cotton a t-shirt. Pull the T’s neck up below the eyes (the part where you stick your head through) and pull up the bottom to cover your eyes. It’s all very simple. It may be “budget bondage,” but it’s still super sexy. It has that “can’t wait to have you and don’t have time to grab the leather handcuffs” feel to it.

If you’re interested in doing some BDSM-themed dirty talk, you can decide what you’d like to be called and your partner can do the same. Maybe you’re into Mistress? Goddess? Madam? It’s really up to you. What makes these games fun is that they’re role play. They’re meant to be creative and fun.

That goes the same with other household items. You can use a metal spoon, if you’re looking for something rougher. Just be sure to do a thorough Google search for breaking out something new. If it’s not specifically designed for dom/sub play, you should do some research to make sure it’s safe. The internet is a very magical place.

Once the scene is finished, untie your partner and make time for aftercare. BDSM is an emotionally charged event for many people. Being taken care of and cuddled can bring the sub back to earth. Once everyone is comfortable and cozy, talk about how the scene went. Did you both enjoy it? Is there anything you’d change or want to try next time?

BDSM is a beautiful chance to grow together as a couple as you both push the boundaries of your sexual pleasure.

I’m sure you’ll have the best time ever. Proceed with caution, but enjoy yourselves!

Xoxo

Gigi

Gigi Engle is a feminist writer, sex educator, and speaker. A book with St. Martins Press is forthcoming.

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