I have been seeing someone for 2 weeks now. The first week we saw each other every day and slept together multiple times. The second week we saw each other every day but did not have sex once. Things otherwise have been great, we talk, laugh, cuddle and get along amazingly. I have tried to turn him on but he seems to be holding back. Could he be feeling out the relationship or am I losing him already?
Thanks for your note! Happy to offer some feedback on this. Who isn’t completely fucked up when it comes to dating? We are obsessed with reading into things, waiting for something terrible to happen and ruin everything. It’s super unhealthy, but we all do it.
Anyway. Let’s talk about your new boo.
First of all, try to remember that it’s only been two weeks since the two of you even started going out. Is it weird that you’re having a minor freakout about this? Not really.
Our brains are powerful. Our imaginations regularly defy logic, no matter how logical we may be. We tend to spiral when we don’t know exactly what’s going on, coming up with all kinds of things in our minds. We don’t have the information so we make up the facts.
He doesn’t text back for ten minutes, he must be sleeping with someone else. She doesn’t want to go to your friend’s birthday party, she isn’t into it. He doesn’t want sex, the relationship is over. He’s on his phone during dinner, he’s on Tinder right now. She says she’s too tired to bone, she will definitely never want to have sex ever again.
The issue is that we’ve been taught to be so ~nonchalant~ and ~cool~ and ~non-committal~ about dating, that we don’t talk about anything with each other. We just stew in our thoughts, going totally batshit, because we’re afraid of seeming clingy, needy, or crazy … which, in a huge Catch-22, makes us CRAZY. Legit, we’d rather be quietly going insane than ever be vulnerable.
To be honest, it’s annoying that this is what liking someone has devolved into: One person desperately trying to be the one who loves less so they don’t get hurt. You feel me?
Personally, I think this whole situation is likely a sign that he’s more interested than you think. If you’re still spending a lot of time together, he’s probably trying to get to know you and see where this could be headed. When we get all wrapped up in a sex haze and go at it like rabbits nonstop, we can forget a big part of relationships: actually getting to know someone.
I mean, sex is amazing and fun, but you don’t want to get so wrapped up in fabulous orgasms that you wake up six months from now and realize you don’t even know what this guy’s middle name is. If you only know he’s great at cunnilingus, what do you even know? Entire relationships can be built on sex because we forget to talk to one another.
I’m not saying a sex drought is always the answer when you want to get to know someone, but that might be where his mind is right now. You boinked non-stop for a week and he’s like, “Oh wait. I like her. Maybe I should feel this out.” He’s probably tripping as hard as you are.
Why don’t you … bring this up? You’re wondering what’s up with the sex … just ask him.
If he’s a douche bag about you trying to openly communicate, than all signs point to … he’s a douche bag. Obviously you don’t want to ~come on too strong~ I’m sure, but that’s how we end up shoving our feelings away for the duration of a relationship rather than establishing boundaries and trust from the onset. If he’s really into you, he’ll be down to answer a simple question. Even if he’s not into you, if he is mature, he should be willing to tell you or talk about that. “Hey, I noticed we’re not having sex this week, and were doing it pretty much every second last week … so, no biggie, just wondering what’s up with that?”
We’re way too uptight about open communication. The thing is, you don’t know what’s going on because you don’t know each other that well yet. Hang in there, girl. I totally get if you want to feel it out for another week or two. That makes a lot of sense, too. Maybe see how things go over the next few weeks and then decide to bring it up or drop it. He might just not be in the mood for a few days. It happens. He might be trying to get to know you. All of this is possible. I highly doubt he’s giving you all of this attention if he’s not interested. That feels counterproductive.
Bottom line, it’s too soon to tell. Remind yourself that it’s been, like, five minutes. You have had some intense moments, but in the grand scheme of things, it hasn’t been long enough for you to start freaking out. I know it’s easier said than done when someone says, “Chill, girl!” But, you’ve got to try.
Enjoy this for what it is. It’s the budding stages of a (possible) relationship and you’re excited and nervous and horny and worried. Once we get the feels, we get into our heads and start the downward spiral of self-negative talk that can fuck us over. You don’t want to go bonkers on some nice person you just started seeing because you’re insecure. That isn’t cute.
Don’t read too much into it. If you want to talk about it, talk about it. Dare to be vulnerable for a hot second. Like I said, if he’s a rude asshole about it, he might not be worth your time in the long run. Who has time for someone who makes us feel like shit about ourselves?
I really hope this helps. I’m rooting for you!
Gigi Engle is a feminist writer, sex educator, and speaker. A book with St. Martins Press is forthcoming.
For a chance to be featured on YSPSA’s original sex advice column, email your question to firstname.lastname@example.org. No topic is off limits.